Holy mackerel!
I'm telling you, we're being shelled!
You hear me? It's been going on for a half an hour!
Impossible.
My latest intelligence map shows there are no enemy units in your sector.
You are not being shelled, young man.
[Explosion]
[Man On P.A.] All personnel, stay clear of the compound! All personnel!
Listen, buddy, I'm tellin' ya.
They've already knocked out one of our generators,
they, uh, smashed our water tank, and we got three people wounded.
Well, listen, if you don't believe me,
listen for yourself!
Did ya... Did... Did ya...
Hello? Hello? Aw!
[Man, Woman In Unison] Here he is now, your star for tonight,
Bob Hope!
Come here, Pierce, you wanna see some fancy needlework.
Not now, Henry. I gotta control some bleeding.
- More suction, Sanchez. - Yes, Doctor.
- Fix that mask! Kelly! - Sí! Sí!
Mucho apreciado.
Major, your hands are shaking.
It has nothing to do with the shelling.
It's, uh, my sinus condition.
If anybody's scared, just let yourself be scared.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Eleanor Roosevelt.
- [Explosion] - [Sanchez Screaming]
Sanchez, stop that!
Colonel, your hands are shaking.
Well, it's, uh, Frank's sinus condition.
I'm finished.
Okay, get a dressing on that.
How ya doin', Pierce?
This kid's navel's gonna be a showplace.
[Bob Hope On Radio] Here we are on the U.S.S.... Look at this craft.
Isn't it something? Now I know what they mean by a "floating crap table."
Oh, my God! This man's a North Korean!
I'm not operating on any Commie!
- Oh, come on, Frank. Come on! - Well, what did they ever do for me?
They fixed it so you could get a nice uniform, a steady job,
and people salute you before they get to know you.
- Hold it steady, Sanchez. - Es que me tiemblan las manos, doctor.
Los tiros, no estoy acostumbrada.
- Suction, cha-cha-cha. - Could I have some gloves?
The patient's ready, Doctor.
I hope my American Legion post doesn't find out about this.
They'll take away your joy buzzer.
- Aw... Oh! - [Screaming]
Get some restraint on him, fast!
That's it! I refuse to operate on that slant-eyed, yellow devil!
Finish here!
I'll take care of him, you wonderful round-eye.
Where did that Costa Rican nurse come from, anyway?
The U.N. The little place on the East Side?
Foreigners! Why are there so many of them in a war?
Somebody put this guy under.
Pierce, I gotta get to the latrine for about five minutes.
- I'll handle it. - I'd rather do it myself.
Leland! Somebody put this guy under, will ya?
[Screaming]
- [Frank] Give me a towel! - Put a blanket over that window!
Keep calm, everybody. This can't go on much more than forever.
Come on. Give me that glove. Get it on! Come on!
Margaret. We're gonna need a lot of sulfa.
- We've got plenty. - Somebody, come quick!
- What happened? - It's Col. Blake! He's in the latrine!
- Hurray for regularity. - It's been hit! He's trapped!
- Debride the wound. - Kelly, I need clean gloves!
- [Doctors, Nurses Shouting] - [Korean Soldier Moaning]
[Radar] If anything's happened to Col. Blake, I don't know what I'll do.
He's the "bestest" colonel that ever lived!
- What seat did he usually use? - On the far side.
Picture window. Here.
- Henry? Henry? - [Loud Moaning]
Wait a minute! Hold it! Shh! I heard a moan!
Colonel, if you can hear me,
knock three times!
If you can't, knock twice!
[Knock, Knock]
- Oh, Lord, he's dead. - Colonel!
Henry, you all right?
That's him! That's him! His wife sent it!
Stateside paper, for their anniversary! Colonel!
[Henry] Oh! Watch my other arm. I think it's broken.
Oh, my. Aw, man.
- Careful, sir. - Mulcahy's still down there.
- [Radar] Ooh. Get him out. - Come here, Henry.
- Where's Mulcahy? - Come here.
Father Mulcahy was on my left, telling me about his sister.
- [Klinger] Here he is! - [Radar] Help him.
- You all right, Father? - Come on, Father.
Sis and I picked up these apples from under the tree.
I remember I said, "You can't make a pie out of crab apples,"
and she said, "I learned how in the Girl Scouts."
He'll be all right. He's just a little dazed.
She used brown sugar, and the crust was just so crispy and nice.
Well, it was so good, we ate it all before dinner.
Get him back to his tent. Let him rest.
Mommy came into the kitchen and said, "What the hell's going on in here?"
I remember, Mommy. You know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear.
- [Radar] Careful. - Henry, let me get a look at that arm.
Bet that hurts.
Happy anniversary, sir.
Come on.
Take that toilet paper!
Boy, this really hurts.
Just be glad it's not your right arm,
or your career as a surgeon would go down the tubes.
Never mind that. What about my backswing?
Anybody got any gloves? Kelly?
[Henry] Hey, Pierce, can you get a Purple Heart for a toilet wound?
[Frank] Colonel, was the officers' latrine really destroyed?
[Henry, Mocking] "Was the officers' latrine really destroyed?"
[Hawkeye] Gone with the wind, Frank.
[Frank] I hate the thought of using the enlisted men's.
[Trapper] Get one of your own. Go into business for yourself.
Good idea.
- [Klinger] And another one. - [Frank] Right here.
[Margaret] Sanchez, come over here. Help me get this man undressed.
There's a wire across his chest.
[Hawkeye] Don't touch him! That guy's booby-trapped!
- There's a grenade under his arm! - Now, that offends.
- [Sanchez] "Booby"? - Booby kaboom.
- Big "booby"? - Right.
The pin is off.
The wire is holding his arm to the handle of the grenade.
Pretty dicey.
Listen, we don't have to risk our own lives.
We have a demolition expert right here in camp. Staff Sergeant Benson.
Frank... this is Staff Sergeant Benson.
Well, tell him to tuck his giblets back in and get back to work.
It seems to me this comes under the heading of duty for enlisted personnel.
- Oh, really! - Well, they do get their uniforms free,
and we have to pay for ours!
We're all scared. If you're that scared, get out!
You'll talk about me behind my back.
Trap, we're gonna have to do this together.
- You cut the wire. - You hold the grenade.
And I'll be in Scotland before you.
- [Margaret] He's moving! - Frank, put him under, fast!
Hold him down. Put your arm on his chest. Hurry up!
[Gas Hissing]
- Man, that's a hairy armpit. - Probably Italian.
- [Explosion] - [Sanchez Screaming In Spanish]
- Sanchez! - [Gasps, Exhales]
Okay, Trap, cut.
Okay, quick! Towards the minefield!
[Sanchez] Ay! Yo tengo miedo!
Yo no estoy acostumbrada a esos tiros!
Soy muy joven, no quiero morir!
I seem to have a foreign object on my chest.
[Trapper] All right, cover the wound! Somebody, clean this stuff up!
Take it easy. Take it easy. It's all over.
- No more booby? - Booby all gone.
- George, cover that wound, will ya? - Gee, I'm busy here, sir.
- [Explosion] - [Screaming]
I am so afraid. You no afraid?
- You are afraid. - You bet your enchilada.
No, sir, I did not hang up on you.
L-I put the phone out the window, and it blew up!
Reluctantly, I have to admit that latest intelligence...
tells me you are being shelled.
But there's nothing to worry about.
You're being hit by your own artillery.
Well, is there anything you can do about it? We're being wiped out!
I tried to phone the observation post directing the fire,
but they're all at "The Bob Hope Show."
Hello? Hello?
What'd you pull it apart for? I just fixed it!
If I ever get out of this war alive,
I'm gonna write a book exposing it all, and that guy's gonna be in it!
- What's his name? - I'll make one up!
- Will you put me in it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Page one. - Hot cher-o-kees!
Settle down someplace. Take a load off your arm.
Yeah. Where? My tent's been flattened.
First time in six months I get a toothbrush that's just right.
Not too hard, not too soft. I got teeth like Turhan Bey.
I can't even find the damn bristles.
Radar, did you get through to anybody?
Yes, sir, H.Q. We're being shelled by our own artillery.
They never miss.
I need help. The door to the supply room is jammed.
- We're running short on everything. - I'll give you a hand. Let's go.
Radar, get on the phone and get some help.
- Klinger has to fix it first! - Then fix it, Klinger!
You ought to put him in your book too!
Put him in your own book!
[Explosions Continue]
Ten years in medical school, and I wind up a sheet metal worker!
- [Grunting] - Let me try.
[Grunts] You are strong.
Where I was raised, every morning we ran naked in the snow.
We ran naked in the subway. [Grunts]
Plasma?
Uh, plasma, sulfa,
uh, extra blankets.
- Oh, and Pierce needs rubber gloves. - Clothes horse.
[Explosion]
Doctor, are you hurt?
Just the old football injury.
- Knee? - Hemorrhoid.
I spent a lot of time on the bench.
We better get outta here.
It won't open!
- Come on. Let me try. - We're trapped!
[Exhales, Sighs]
- This day's been too much! - [Crowbar Clatters]
I just can't take it anymore!
- [Sobbing] - Come on, honey.
Take it easy. It's all right.
I'm so embarrassed.
- Why? - [Sobbing]
I outrank you!
Easy, honey. Easy.
Easy.
Everybody thinks I'm so tough and hard and efficient,
and here I am, crying like a baby.
[Crying]
- Do you mind? - No.
It's the first hot water to hit my body in a year.
[Laughing]
You're so understanding... John.
No! No, please.
Look, we can't get outta here,
and I sure don't wanna take inventory.
The door's jammed!
We've got cots, blankets and a lot of extra plasma.
Help, somebody!
Help!
Help! Help!
[Grunting]
[Crowbar Clatters]
All that energy wasted on a door.
Come here.
[Explosions Continue]
- Help. - [Loud Explosion]
Father, this is a lousy idea.
The movie was supposed to take their minds off the shelling.
Lord knows, I tried.
I sent for The Yearling. A dandy picture.
About a boy and his pet deer.
Y-You see, his mother didn't want him to keep it,
but they became very emotionally attached.
I know, I know. My cousin Floyd had the same thing with a goat.
So, uh, what happened to The Yearling?
Oh, the jeep was hijacked by some Buddhist monks.
- Monks? - Oh, the driver told me...
they'd all gotten haircuts that day and wanted to celebrate.
- Is, uh, Major Houlihan here? - Down in front!
Get outta the way!
- Has anyone seen her? - I saw her about an hour ago.
She and Captain Mclntyre were running across the compound.
- Well, where were they going? - Search me.
- A war picture? - I tried to get The Yearling.
It's about this boy who becomes emotionally attached to a deer.
Oh, my uncle in Texarkana had the same thing with a mule.
Why can't I have a blanket of my own?
Conservation of body heat.
Ninety-eight degrees plus ninety-eight degrees...
is 196 degrees.
It doesn't work that way.
You're just saying 196 degrees so you can get under the same blanket with me.
Are you questioning a doctor's medical opinion?
What are you doing with your hands?
Just saluting.
I don't trust you.
You don't trust me? John Xavier Mclntyre?
In my grammar school, on graham cracker day,
I was elected crumb boy.
That's silly.
Now, I'm gonna lie down because I'm cold and tired.
You have to promise me, no hanky-panky.
I haven't even got a hanky,
and I left my "panky" in my other suit.
Besides, you have nothing to worry about. I'm beat.
Hello, hello, hello.
Oh. We, uh, came in here for supplies, and a shell hit and the door jammed.
- That's good for starters. - Mclntyre, what's the meaning of this?
Frank, does paradise need a meaning?
We came in here for supplies, and a shell hit and the door jammed,
and we made 196 degrees, and that's all there was to it!
Just a trip to the moon on gossamer wings.
[Man On P.A.] Attention. By order of Colonel Blake,
all personnel will prepare a survival pack in case we have to evacuate.
- Evacuate to where? - [Explosion]
Now the Book of the Month Club will never find me.
- Here, Trapper, you take this bottle. - Check.
We better go in separate trucks.
That way one of us will be alive to care for our loved ones.
Uh, Major Houlihan claims that you were a perfect gentleman...
at all times in the supply room.
- These enough? - Yeah.
If we're captured, we'll eat 'em.
When fear is near, I want you here.
Mclntyre, the future is very uncertain for all of us.
I want your word that nothing went on between you and Major Houlihan.
Absolutely nothing.
- [Whispering] - [Giggles] No kidding?
- I heard that! - What?
Well, I couldn't hear it. What did you tell Pierce?
Just boy talk.
You taking all those nudist magazines with you?
Yeah, I'm reading a serial. It's called "The Sunburnt Fool."
- Terrific. - It's the story of a woman...
who smuggles ten pounds of pistachio ice cream out of a nudist camp.
Ooh, that smarts.
You... You... That's what you are!
What's your rush, Frank? The next shell isn't due for three minutes.
Can't trust these P.X. Clocks for anything.
Mclntyre keeps hinting that something went on, Margaret.
We were exhausted. We slept. I told you.
[Man On P.A.] Second shift to surgery, please.
How can you wash your hair at a time like this?
Well, if I'm goin' out, I'm goin' out with a clean scalp.
I don't understand what a woman could see in that man, anyway.
Egotistical smart aleck.
He didn't even study medicine in his own state.
Frank, he does have a certain je ne sais quoi.
I should have known he'd talk dirty to you in Spanish.
Frank, I've told you over and over and over!
We didn't do anything!
Hmm. How far did he get? First base?
Second base?
Home plate?
What difference does it make?
What am I to you, anyway?
A beautiful plaything. A romp on an army blanket.
Oh, that's not true!
We're soul mates. Don't we listen to Mantovani together?
Don't we both trim the crusts on our bread?
Remember the morning when we held hands and said the Pledge of Allegiance?
Talk, talk, talk. Talk.
Margaret, I realized when you were in the supply room with him...
- how much I love you. - Hmm.
Margaret...
- I want to marry you. - [Explosion]
- What did you say? - I said l...
[Explosion]
- Say it again, Frank. - What? What?
Tell me again, what you said about marriage.
Boy, that last one was awful close!
I better go see Colonel Blake!
You weasel!
[Announcer] From Seoul in South Korea, it's been "The Bob Hope Show,"
with Marilyn Maxwell, Jerry Colonna, Les Brown and his Band of Renown,
- and yours truly, Hy Averback. - [Audience Cheering]
## [Band Plays "Chattanooga Choo-Choo" On Radio]
What is?
- Take it easy, Sanchez. - He's dead?
Klinger! Next patient!
This is Seoul City Sue, bringing you G.I. Joes...
your favorite songs and reminding you that all your wives and sweethearts...
are being unfaithful to you.
Not true! Not true!
Don't pay any attention to her!
[Seoul City Sue] You know who's romancing them at home every night?
Every Tom, Dick and Harry.
There is a Harry at the country club.
Nah! Lorraine wouldn't horse around with a busboy.
[Explosion]
Take Sue's word for it. Go home, 121 st Evac, MASH 4077.
Go home where the big money is.
Don't help the imperialistic forces in Korea.
Another Harry repairs the golf carts.
Nah! He's got dirty nails and he's always digging one finger in his ear.
[Seoul City Sue] I'll be right back, but first here's a golden oldie...
to remind you of those wonderful cheating wives and mothers back home.
Father, will you ask Radar to get something else on the box?
Yes, sir!
Oh, jeepers.
Frank, you okay?
I've got to get into this chest, and I don't know if I can do it.
You can do it. You've done that before.
- I've just got so much on my mind. - Suction.
Frank, Trapper tried, but no dice.
She's all yours.
I don't really know what you're talking about.
All right, let's move it. Get cracking. Get gloves.
And I want an anesthetist over here on the double!
- Scalpel, Sanchez. - Sí, doctor.
What's that noise?
Sounds like silence.
Hey, the shelling stopped.
- No more boom-boom? - No more boom-boom.
[Radar Blows Into Mike] Testing. Te... One, two, three.
Testing, one, two. [Clears Throat]
Radar here. Uh, there's nobody on the radio now except Seoul City Sue,
so I figured I'd keep you entertained by reading you a letter from my mom.
- Everybody dance. - [Radar] Here goes.
[Clears Throat] "Dear Son:
I got your lovely letter. You certainly asked a lot of questions."
[Clears Throat] "About the car. You may.
"AboutJennifer next door. Yes.
"About Eleanor Simon. She did once or twice, but not too much.
"About your Uncle Albert.
"Uh, no on drinking. Yes on A.A.
"About the dog, Leon.
"Three times in the bedroom, once under the washer,
and twice on the cat."
Testing, testing.
"About the cat. We don't have one anymore.
- Uh, about your Cousin Ernie..." - [Explosion]
- [Screaming] - [Radar] Here we go again!
- Watch out! - Oh, ding bust it.
I wanted to hear about Cousin Ernie.
Get ready to close. Three-oh silk.
Get the next one ready.
[Sanchez Screams]
[All Shouting]
Get a blanket on the window over there!
- [Shouting Continues] - [Explosions Continue]
[Trapper] Okay. You guys... Come on.
Major Burns?
Psst.
Major Burns, don't we have something to discuss?
Something you asked me in my tent?
Tell us, Major.
We're his answering service. The doctor isn't in.
Leave your name, symptoms and credit card number.
Tell him he's not gonna welsh out on it!
Frank. Did you propose? Hmm?
- Uh... - Figures.
He was afraid he was gonna lose her to you.
Frank, what kind of a guy do you think I am?
We're colleagues... surgeons... under the skin,
in mortal combat with the enemy.
Besides, they'll have plenty of time together after you've gone home.
[Whimpering]
Care for a little tonic?